


Speechless

by Anonymous



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 17:22:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16496936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/





	1. Chapter 1

To say that they had a long day would be an understanding. By now, the Mighty Nein made it back to the small cabin they all share as guests in Captain Avantika's ship, if they can even call themselves that, and they're trying to rest before it's time to run into the action again. Lately, it seems like that's all they do. Fight and fight again, rest for a few minutes and then fight some more. Danger approaching them at every corner.

"I'm just going to draw something for the Traveler," Jester announces, sitting with her back towards the team in a corner nearby Caduceus and getting out her notebook while the rest of them discuss their next move. She doesn't feel like talking now, not when she knows that if she opens her mouth for more than a second she might bring up something that she's not sure she wants the rest of the group to be there for. Nearly drowning, feeling helpless as she kept losing more and more oxygen, was not a fun experience, but what came next was the problem. It was not how she'd imagined it (And, oh, she's imagined it alright), clearly not what she expected either. And if she's honest with herself, Jester isn't quite sure it happened.

She knows, of course she knows, she can still feel Fjord's lips pressing against her underwater every time her eyes close, fingertips brushing against them almost as if she's trying to feel him. She can still taste the saltwater in her tongue, feel his hands grabbing her face in a way he's never done before. But something about it just doesn't feel quite real.

Like how nobody else has made any kind of comment of the matter, or how Fjord seems completely unaffected by the entire situation. If she didn't remember it so vividly, she'd surely think she dreamed it as she fell unconscious for a couple of seconds underwater, her brain trying to give her some kind of pleasing imagery so dying wouldn't feel so bad. It wouldn't be the first time she's dreamed of kissing Fjord. Except those usually don't go the way this did. Those usually last longer, play some kind of music in the background, and even underwater she thinks her mind would probably find a way to make it romantic. Deep shades of blue around them as sparkling bright fish swim nearby, beams of sunshine lighting up the ocean. He'd kiss her deeply and smile afterwards, press his forehead against hers and run his fingers through her hair.

None of that happened. Definitely not a dream. Instead there was nothing around her, indigo hues so void of brightness that it almost felt like looking into a sky without stars. There was no music, no playful fish. There was just shades of black and semi-blurry creatures around, some attacking them, some striking at the enemies back. It didn't feel romantic, not like a dream would, and even if it was, Jester didn't want to think about it that way. Not yet anyway. All she needs is a couple of minutes with him, a moment alone like they used to have back in Port Damali when they'd tell each other secrets and talk until one of them fell asleep, then it'll start making more sense. She's sure of that.

Caleb brings up the idea of Fjord following the Captain, perhaps even leaving them, and even though her jaw clenches, her pencil digs harder into the drawing she's making, Jester doesn't say anything. Because he won't. He wouldn't. Even if he's found his path, even if he realizes he can't keep traveling with them. He would never leave the team without letting her know first, he wouldn't just up and go. The Mighty Nein might be a team, but Fjord and Jester? They're a team of their own too. They're best friends. He would never make a decision like that without consulting with her first, she wouldn't either.

So when he dismisses the idea, Jester simply smiles and keeps drawing. It isn't until Avantika is brought up into the conversation again that she takes a deep breath and breaks the pencil in her hand.

Who cares about that drink? Who cares about Avantika? _Wasn't Beau on her side?!_

Jester whispers a spell below her breath as she tries to push it all aside— the conversation in the back, the thoughts in her head, the anger boiling inside her— and fixing the hole in her paper and the pencil, she continues drawing. Focuses on the figures in her paper, the cartoony looking daggers stuck in the shapeless female body she's drawn for a third page in a row now. Strong lines that, after a while, cover the page and move onto the wooden floor of the cabin instead, carving it slightly without a care. They'll all go to sleep in a couple of minutes, she's going to ask Fjord to come outside with her for a talk, and it'll all be okay. It will. It has to. He wouldn't have kissed her if it wasn't.

It takes a bit longer than she'd expected, chatter and scheming for whatever plan that she's not even listening about by now, until they're all going to bed, lights off and blankets delivered to each member of the Nein, that she notices Fjord nod, mumble something to Beau and leave.

 _Avantika_. 

Something's wrong, she can tell. Unlike last time he's left to visit the Captain's headquarters, this time nobody seems to care. Nott insists to stay awake at first, but once the rest of the team decides it's time to go to bed she indulges them, curls up in a corner with Caleb and falls asleep, Beau is spread like a star barely covered in her bunk, Yasha and Caduceus are comfortably tucked in their own beds. And nobody... nobody cares. There's no Frumpkin spying over, there's no staying up to make sure Fjord's safe. Nothing. So she follows, lies down in her bed and wraps herself in her blanket, closes her eyes and tries her best to fall asleep, failing miserably every time.

All she can see every time her eyes close is water— sometimes surrounding her, sometimes underneath her. Sometimes it's followed by the memory of that kiss, sometimes it's followed by a thousand bright beautiful colors, dancing across the ocean, and even though she was crying at the moment all she can do now is smile. It seems like no matter what she does, how hard she tries through the night, her brain refuses to let Fjord go.

How long has it been by now? Shouldn't he be coming back already? What if something happened?

What if he's in danger? She promised she'd heal him no matter what, that they look out for each other. Even if the rest of the team won't, Jester knows something's off.

She's about to get up when she hears the faintest of steps outside their cabin; she covers her head with the blankets instead and pretends to be asleep, more relaxed now that it's all over. That she can smell the scent of Fjord in the room. And it's not until she hears Caduceus speak in that low all-knowing tone of his that it all falls into place.

"Sleep well with your bad decisions."

Of course he took that long. Of course he wasn't in danger.

Her heart drops and she bites her tongue, tries not to hate herself when she remembers her mother and the other workers back home speaking about orcs and their reputation during sex. All fantasy and tales, she's sure, but why did she have to think about it? It's nothing, anyway, sex means nothing. She's heard that kind of talk about that all the time while she was growing up. There's a big difference between sex and love, between sex and attraction even. And this... this means nothing.

Maybe their kiss meant nothing too.

"It'll be alright," The Traveler's voice whispers in her ear, and that's all it takes for the first tears to begin to fall. She pretends to snore instead, knowing it'll sound at least convincing enough for anyone that might hear. Crying in silence is never a good idea, she knows that very well. "I know. Sometimes you get sad, Jester." That familiar voice continues, and she softly nods to herself rubbing her wet cheeks against her blanket.

Luminescent colors and a certain conversation on her mind again. Things don't always work out the way she hopes. The Taveler's hand brushes her hair softly as he whispers, "but it'll pass really quickly," and Jester smiles remembering. He's right, he always is. She falls asleep soothed by the memory and his touch, maybe the exhaustion of the day beginning to weight on her chest.

Or maybe it's her heart breaking, she's not sure. Not like she's ever experienced heartbreak before.


	2. Chapter 2

To say that they were exhausted would be an understanding. After fighting non-stop and losing that orb, and nearly losing half of the team, being back in a now familiar cabin in the Captain's ship almost felt like being back home. A kind of relief he hasn't felt for a while, perhaps the calm before the storm, as they say. Because the fight isn't over, it never is nowadays. Danger finds them at every corner. 

But at least for now, they're safe. And that's what counts. The Mighty Nein are alive, even though for a moment there, it felt like they wouldn't make it out in one piece. Escaping a room rapidly feeling with water while trying to fight their way out had been difficult, but what he remembers the most (The only thing out of that battle that he remembers, if he's honest) is seeing Jester panic underwater— losing her air, trying so desperately to swim up and going nowhere. He's not sure he's ever seen her so scared before. It was the quickest decision Fjord's ever made in his life. 

And then, he just... pretended it didn't happen. 

It's easier that way, at least for now, while everyone's awake. They've got other things to discuss first, and he can tell Jester is still shaken up by the experience of nearly drowning the second she announces, "I'm just going to draw something for the Traveler," and sits on a corner away from most of them. He's been there before enough times to remember how scary it can feel to drown, how helpless and confusing. She needs to rest and he needs to keep going, if what he did is brought up— if the kiss is brought up, he'll deal with that when it happens. She might not even remember it anyway, she might think he was only trying to save her. And he was, in a way. But the way he reacted so impulsively and so desperately, the way it felt kissing her. That wasn't a simply trying to save a teammate's life kind of move, not for him.

Right now, though, what they have to do is plan their next move. Focus on what matters the most for the team. There'll be time for that later.

So when they start discussing things and Caleb brings up the idea of Fjord joining the Captain on her quest, he's startled. It barely makes sense to him, leaving, especially without having spoken about it— about anything— with Jester. He could never leave the Mighty Nein, they're his family now, one he never felt he had before. He could never leave them, especially not in some pursuit for power and the Gods only know what else. But it's Jester specifically that he knows he couldn't abandon. And besides, after everything's that happened, he's sure Molly's ghost would haunt him to his own grave if he did. 

Molly. He'd know what to do. Or what to say, at least.

His eyes lock on Jester even as he and the rest of the team speak— her too distracted with her notebook to notice him staring, Fjord too lost in his own thoughts to say anything. The story that seems to repeat itself over and over with them. He'd die for this team if he has to; and for a moment back there, underwater, he almost did. He'd do it all over again, without a question. 

Then Beau reminds him of that drink that Avantika keeps bringing up between them, and he knows he can't avoid it any longer. He knows he can't let her threaten the team again the way she did when she found out who they were, that he needs to stay on her good side to keep everyone safe. It's his duty he thinks, anyway, it was bad enough that he wasn't there when they lost Molly, that he couldn't help Yasha and Jester when the three of them got kidnapped by Lorenzo. He won't let anything like that happen again to any of them, not if he can help it. A couple of days ago, he'd told Avantika that he trusted the team with his life— truth is, they'd done the same for him. They'd put their lives on his hands following him into this mission, he can't let them get hurt.

And that's the moment he knows, as they all start getting ready to go to bed after a long day, that he has to go see the Captain.

It's usually quite simple between them, as complicated to read she might be, their conversation in her cabin feels like every other talk they had. Sure, she's naked, but he can avoid that. He can look straight into her eyes, pretend he's comfortable. Follow her vague statements and confusing questions; ignore the strange feeling that somehow, someway, she's always one step ahead of them. Of him. It's Fjord's responsibility to keep the team safe and, after all, she's said enough times that she only trusts them because he does. That she feels a connection between them, maybe even a pull that keeps them together. Their dreams, the orbs, the eyes, their patron. There's something else there, something of great power that he's not sure he trusts Avantika to obtain all on her own. So he lies to her, he tends to do that as much as he can, says he doesn't know Vandrin and when that doesn't seem to work, Fjord realizes that he's out of options. He needs a new plan.

Keep the team safe, keep her happy. Play to her weaknesses. Let her take control, if anything for a moment, and she'll think she's won. That she's got him wrapped around her finger. "Do what you've got to do", said Caleb back in the cabins, and everyone else had seemed to agreed. It's what they've discussed before, isn't it? So he plays along, turns on his charm as he always does when they're in a new town in search for some work to do, and leans forward to kiss her.

She doesn't even hesitate, doesn't even look confused. And that's good. Means she thinks she's won, that their deal is sealed now, clothes quickly disappearing as they reach the Captain's bunk.

As soon as it's over, Fjord knows this was a bad idea. Something feels off, wrong. He feels like he's drowning out of the sudden, and he needs to get out. The team will be safe, for now, Avantika believed him and that's enough. That's what he wanted. He tries his best to sneak back into their small dorm, Caduceus's low and all-knowing voice immediately catching him and reading him like an open book. "Sleep well with your bad decisions." How does he does that? Fjord will never understand. It's truly eerie, but before he can defend himself the firbolg is sound asleep again. 

The only sound filling the cabin now is Jester's gentle snoring. He smiles, remembering their travels. When it was just the two of them together, and how they'd talk every night and tell each other stories until one of them fell asleep. Or how excited she looked that night they stayed up doing watch in the ship they'd so foolishly stolen, a thousand bright jellyfish illuminating the ocean and reflecting Jester with their light. He remembers not being sure if he was talking about them or the look on her face when he agreed that it was a beautiful sight.

He remembers kissing her underwater, again. The way Jester's eyes opened wide with surprise despite being almost nearly unconscious, completely opposite to Avantika's confident and almost cocky look after they kissed, the way she immediately melted into his touch. It's been pretty hard to think of anything else, actually. But they've got other priorities at the moment.

"Sometimes I wish that things were different," Fjord had told her back then. And he still does. He wishes that she'd be awake right now so they could talk, not even about the kiss but anything at all (He's not even sure she cares about that kiss, anyway, and there's no use in worrying over that), he wishes he could make sure she's okay after what she went through. He wishes that he'd never gone back to Avantika's quarters, or that he'd at least had a better plan of action. He wishes that he could stop feeling so... guilty. His right hand moves without him thinking, brushes a few strands of Jester's hair back as he smiles and then he remembers the rest of their talk.

Fuck.

She was talking about him. Jester was right. He promised her a treasure for her mother and instead he does this. Kisses her and gets distracted, becomes a terrible liar out of the sudden because he can't think straight. Runs out of ideas to get Avantika on his side, on _their_ side, because the only thoughts in his mind are keeping the team safe and the way she felt against him, fading into his kiss. Maybe, sometimes, things don't always go the way one hopes.

But at least she's safe now. At least he didn't lose her and he's not going to. And that's all that matters.


End file.
